Saturday, October 30, 2010

The Awkward Guy's First Base/ Hand-holding for Jocks

Thumb Wrestling Ring

Awkward Guy:   "Is the man supposed to keep his thumb on the outside?  And what if she puts her thumb on the outside?   How long do I have to hold her hand?   What will happen if she rejects me?   Sweaty palms sweaty palms sweaty pa..
'So... thumb war???'"

Jock:  "Hey girl, I'm kind of into you.  I think I might like to hold your hand, but in a competitive context as to not compromise my masculinity."  

Thanks for the awkward gift, Johnny!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I call this one, "So he loves you 800 dollars worth?"

This watch is fancy, and he knows it!  When presenting a gift like this to a lucky lady, it is very important for the woman to know just how much you spent on her so she can place a monetary value on your level of affection.

Rule to live by:
DO NOT tell the woman what you spent on her gift.
BUT INSTEAD leave the price tag on the item, and lightly sweep a pen over the price on the tag.  

This allows her to clearly see that you spent $800, while pretending to have been modest about the expenditure.  You sly fox!

The rim of the watch is encrusted with "delicate" (tiny) diamonds that just scream, "LOOK AT ME SPARKLE, I AM DIAMOND! " while also conveying,  "DON'T YOU DARE TAKE ME TOO SERIOUSLY,  I'M JUST A WATCH, NOT AN ENGAGEMENT RING!" 

The watch also has a small sapphire dial on the side.  The man should probably point that out a few times when presenting the gift.

This is the ideal gift for the boyfriend who wants to say, "Hey babe, look how much money I have."  

A watch in general is an excellent choice for men who also want to convey:  "I want you to know that I take this relationship seriously, serious like a business venture, and also-- I'd appreciate if you were more punctual."  

Watches are safe-- a fancy ring or a necklace can be misleading: you wouldn't want to make a woman think you like her TOO much.  Keep it professional, keep it classy, and keep the price tag on.  You like her 800 dollars worth.

Thanks for the generous gift, Chase!

Friday, April 30, 2010

Gift 1: the inspiration piece

I call this one, "It's from Guam, so it can't be crappy."

This deluxe Guam piggy bank is crafted out of a "Real Coconut"!!!  It has decorative scratches all over the sides, like the coconut attempted to escape before the pig transformation.  The coconut piggy is only available with a sad face, but wouldn't you be grumpy if someone only lacquered most your nose?  I mean that's embarrassing.  This one-of-a-kind piggy bank is NOT available with centered piggy-nose-holes, because everyone knows that the pigs are a little disfigured in Guam.  This is as true to life as any other coconut-pig.  I CHALLENGE YOU TO FIND ANYTHING REAL-ER!  

Moving to the rear....

I don't know about you, but when I think of coconuts I think of SECURITY.  I can think of no better place to store money or other valuable goods.  Safes are too obvious nowadays.  I'd like to see you break into the bum-hole of my coconut pig!  

No... but really... I can't open the pig's bum-plug... and accidentally yanked off the deluxe braided tail (pigs are fancy).  This coconut pig is so secure, you can't even get your own money out of it.

Thank you Ben, for supplying this wonderful gift.

Gifts from Ex Boyfriends: the beginning!

Why is it that the natural response to a bad smell for so many people, is to insist that other people also experience the horrible smell?

"Ughhh, the carpeting smells like rotting cheese!  SMELL IT!"-- me 
"SICK!  It DOES smell horrible!"-- you (why do you always give in? sucka!)

As you smile and think, "Hey, I do that sometimes.  Why?  It's weird, I should probably stop insisting that people smell nasty crap"-- think about another common scenario. 

You're sitting in one of your best friend's dorm rooms one morning, after spending an otherwise excellent night out.


Your supposed 'best friend' drops the bomb...

"Look at this!  This is the ugliest thing I have ever seen.  Ben gave it to me.  Do you want it?"

Oh yes, your friend has just re-gifted a piece of crap from an ex boyfriend.  She would feel way too guilty throwing it away which is why you, as a good friend, are morally obligated to own this new catastrophe-of-a-gift.

And so we begin.  If you have a gift from an ex boyfriend you would like to be featured on this blog, please send a twitpic  of the item, or email to and we will make a post honoring the weird crap.